Still super bad feeling. Alll the time. Haven't really done much recently. I am now constantly questioning why I want to do anything. I'm so absolutely terrified of time moving on. It's like each second is another moment closer to failure and a lonely death. WHICH IT IS BUT REGARDLESS, THIS FACT SIMPLY LOOMS OVER ME QUITE A LOT.

Hm, I had actually built up some sort of self-esteem for a while there. Maybe a year or so. I HAD GOOD THINGS GOING ON. EVERYTHING WAS BEING RIGHT.

Now I've fucked it all up. God, it will never get right again. Ever. I'm so fucking scared.

Oh and I actually may or may not have swine flu. I feel pretty blah right now.

I just want everything to go a bit okay. Why can't it be that way. I wish I could just change the past. Everything could be so much better.


fffffffffff I just feel so completely awful god trying not to make this longer but I reallly really want to write long paragraphs about how shit I feel sdfjjsdfjsjkdsdfkljsdlkha brb going to listen to shitty music while crying

ETA: ONE JOURNAL ENTRY WITHOUT A TYPO I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

I... I have no idea what to do anymore. I am completely lost and I just want to die.

I can't handle living. I can't be a normal human being. I need help. I need a friend. Or someone close to talk to. I can't handle living on my own. Believe me, i'd love to not be a weakling and be independant and strong and self relient.

But I fucking can't, okay. I'm so fucking lost without anyone else. But I have no friends, so there's no possibility of being saved.

I just need to die. I'm so stressed. I can't handle it. I can't fucking handle it.
I need someone. I need them so badly. Someone to guide me. I'm too afraid. I can't do things by myself.

I'm probably not going to show up here again any time soon. I'm probably going to drop out of school. I don't know what else I can do. Get a job. Move out. I just can't handle it. I really can't. I'm not intelligent enough. I'm not meant to live this modern lifestyle. I was probably supposed to be born as a farmer's daughter in the 1940s or something. I'm stupid. I'm absolutely talentless. I can't do anything whatsoever. I'm clumsy. I have a short attention span and can't do any work. I have no proper ambitions. I'm completely misguided. I've wrecked my life completely, every decision I've made has been wrong so I might as well give up. I'm pretty confident I am retarded.

I convinced myself I was going to commit suicide by this morning. Kind of pussied out (I was kind of distracted and cheered up by Noel Fielding and Simon Amstell's authentic punk dancing). But I definitely just need to be somewhere else. Someone else. I just.. .I really don't know. I'm too worthless to even live my own life. I can't do it. Everything that's ever been said is true. I am a pussy. An attention seeker. An absolutely pathetic excuse for a human being. I wish I could be put out of my misery but I can't even do that for myself.


SO LOL BRB? MAYBE? MAYBE NOT.

YO ~whiskeyclone, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCE HAD THE BEST ANGSTY BITCHY RETARD JOURNAL ENTRY EVER.

Guys I feel really nauseous and blah.

Today was the last day they were playing Taking Woodstock at the local theatre and I thought my dad could drive me but he came home late. Fuck, I always do this. I always put shit off and then end up not doing it at all. ;____;

I wanted to make special brownies, because the new chaplain at our school decided it would be a good idea to waste our fucking time with stupid field trips to retreat centers, and she said we should bring our own desserts so I was like, 'LOL MAJOR PRANK.' So I tried reading up on it and honestly, I got kind of scared. WEED IS SCARY GUYS WTF. THC? I'M AFRAID. I might talk to Mikey about it because he's ballsy like that. We could make it at his house. D:

Oh, and I was supposed to bake cupcakes with him today for the fund raising bake sale for our trip to El Salvador, but I left school early so we didn't walk home together like always and I walked by his house and stuff later but he didn't seem to be there? So I just made nine chewy chocolate chip cookies and a bunch of coconut macaroons. I used sweetened shredded coconut so I think they're way too sweet. ;___; Fuck I fail

Writer's Craft is pretty terrible, so far. I mean, it was mildly interesting for like two days. I think I'm going to drop it. Maybe, maybe not. I'm sort of freaking out about post secondary stuff but also sort of being really chill about it. Sometimes I get really nervous and jumpy and just sit there and feel like I'm going to lose my mind over it and sometimes I'm just like, 'WHATEVER, MAN.'

Um, I have really low blood pressure and recently my heart has been beating really fast and it's been scaring me. I HOPE I DON'T DIE.

I tried calling the place that wanted to hire me because they haven't contacted me at all but the number in the phone book was pretty fucked up. It rang for a few seconds then like transferred me to another number than transferred me to fax or something because it started making loud squeaking noises, and then it gave me that signal that happens when someone hangs up and you stay on the line. /o\ Which really sucks because I need a job for various reasons.

It's my mom's birthday and I want to buy her stuff but that would be kind of counter productive because I would be buying her stuff with money I burrowed from her.

Also i've been brainstorming about Halloween. I've wanted to go as a pink frank the bunny for a few years but I don't know how to sew and good fabric is fucking expensive (especially if you want it pink and furry, jesus) and it would be gross and sweaty anyways, but I still want to go as a rabbit or something. Bunny ears.

Laura (latina Laura, not Mikey's girlfriend Laura, not that any of you know the people I hang out with but the difference is significant okay) wants a bunch of us to go as 70s people, but I dunno. I want to be something horrifying for once. Like a 7 foot tall pink bunny rabbit.

I feel like butts and I haven't accomplished anything recently except watching a bunch of movies. I've watched The US vs John Lennon like 10 times and it makes me cry every time.

Also I had to return Pygmy to the library baaaaaw I only got to the United Nations party thing.

I put a flower in my hair today and hung out with dragonflies and saw a big fucking bird in the sky. It might have been a ufo. That flaps it's wings.

[link]

Hahahahahaaaaaaaa

That's my school btw

First of all, the initial punishment has been dropped by the principal. Our school is that much about athletics that the school doesn't even have the balls to punish the football team.

I have never been bullied by these guys (or anyone, in fact), but I can tell you they are bull shitting so hard. And they're good at it.

'Zero tolerance bullying policy'? This is the first time I've heard of it. The administration is just a bunch of pussies. There is so much tolerance and complacency towards these assholes. The abuse is rarely this extreme, but I can tell you they can be cruel and relentless.

ALSO LOL THEY INTERVIEWED DOUG TODD, WHO IS POSSIBLY THE MOST RETARDED KID EVER? GOOD JOB MEDIA. INTERVIEW THE KID FROM THE SMOKING PIT. And I'm not even kidding or being a bitch, Doug is practically retarded. There are probably mentally disabled kids who are smarter than he is.

ANYWAYS. I feel sorry for the good guys on the football team, like Tristan, because it was all John's fault. He headbutted the kid who ended up in the hospital. John's also the one that had to be taken away by an ambulance in ninth grade because he got so drunk he vomited and passed out in the hallways.


YAY CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL. MORALS AND DISCIPLINE, YOU SAY? \o/

fffffffff someone tell me it will be alright.


I am insanely stressed out over school right now. Guys, please tell me as long as you get good marks it doesn't matter that you didn't take any requisite courses for uni/college. /o\ PLEASE LET IT BE SO.

See, I haven't the foggiest idea of what I'm going to do with my life.

But I was wondering, fuck what's going to happen if I really want to get into Art College?

I can't fit the grade 12 university art course into my schedule. I just can't. It's stressing me out so much I just want to cry.

I suppose it's my fault for going to a shitty little Catholic high school for friends that ditched me anyways, but stilll sdfjfhjafkjhjflsjhklhjkasdlf. I want to switch high schools but a) I feel bad and don't want to tell my parents because registration is $40 for this school and my parents already paid it so godiamreallyparanoidaboutmoneyandburdeni ngmyparentswithmyretardation. b) I am the biggest pussy on the planet.

Let's break it down:

When I got my report card for the 2nd semester of 11th grade, my schedule for 1st semester of Grade 12 was: Biology, Chemistry, Functions (math, prep for Calculus) and Writer's Craft.

Seeing this I went, 'wtf why did I sign up for writer's craft, most useless shit in my life. Should take art or history instead'. I went to the guidance counselor in June and asked them about but it was the last day of school and we were all in a hurry, and she said she switch me because World History was full and we didn't really look at the art class.

By August I decided, 'Fuck it. I am not taking Writer's Craft no matter what' and submitted a form where I requested a change to either History or Art. Come the first day of school, I get my schedule and it went like this:

History, Biology, Functions, Chemistry

On the first day of school (yesterday):

I was a bit nervous about history because no one I knew was in that class and I will admit the social situation in the class has a lot to do with how well I do in that class. If I feel like a loser I will do terribly. If I'm comfortable with the people I tend to do really great. But whatever, I wanted this. The guidance counselor told me World History was a good thing to take for university, it was a great introduction for all of the courses in university about history I will probably encounter.

Biology was good because the class is small and Mikey and Renee are in it and they're both funny and not entire slackers (we're all nature nerds actually, Mikey has like 50 pets(a dog, cats, mice, a gecko, fish, an albino hedgehog) and Renee is vegan and tried to nurse a sick wild rabbit to health this summer).

Functions is also good, Katy and Renee are in it and Katy's the closest thing I have to a good friend at this point.

BUT CHEMISTRY. OH GOD. CHEMISTRY. I felt like a loner in that class, and the teacher. I cannot stand this teacher. Teachers are actually important to me when it comes to school, they also effect my mark a lot as well (I'm so extremely sensitive in social situations ;__; ).

So I decided, fuck it, I have to change this somehow. I want history so badly but I cannot handle this chemistry class. So I had my guidance appointment today and after some nervous fidgeting I got Mr. Imre to put me back to my original schedule, because there is no art last period. /o\
Mr. Imre also told me that I was fine for University (but he specifically mentioned nursing and other science/math based careers) because I had all the good prerequisites, so as long as I get good marks I should be fine and it doesn't even matter. But he also told me that thing about how good it is to take the History course so I just wanted to burst into tears.

And Writer's Craft is awful. It's an awful awful class I feel like dying in there, it's such a waste of my time. Honestly, I think it's absolutely counter productive if you want to be an author with a unique style. On the first day we were taking all these notes on all these rules and formats and things and how your writing must have a formal or informal tone and I was just like, 'Fuck it. I will use big ass words and slang in the same sentence if I want to.' I talked to Mr. Parolin (the art teacher, but not in a Rufus Wainwright way) about the art situation, in a silly whiny girly way, "Mr. Parolin, whyyyyy can't you teach grade 12 art last period, you've ruined my entire scheduuuuule,". He told me I could just come into his class and he could give me all the assignments and I could just do them myself. But it's the credit that I really need. I'd love to do that, in fact I was planning on doing that for my history class, but REALLY NOW. I want/need the credit.

Next semester, I also have kinesiology (2nd period) and I was thinking, 'Why did I take this? Should I drop it? It's neat and all and Sports science is big now and everything but it's not necessary' and Mr. Imre totally backed my thoughts up by saying I didn't even need kinesiology, even if I were to choose to get into sport's science because I would already have the bio/chem background. But dropping that wouldn't help anything /o\ Because I still wouldn't be able to fit anything in.

Not to mention I'm afraid of the morning Bio class I now have. Because my class with Mikey and Renee was smaller and Katy even told me Ms. Burgess already liked us better. Now I'm in Katy's bio class and fuck I'm terrified of the people there and it's a big class and djhfajsdhjdkfkjfdls.

And I want to switch back to History so badly now, but I can't just do that. The guidance office would be livid. Because that would be the 3rd switch and I'm just flip flopping back and forth.

I realize I'm just being completely irrational, the classes you take do not set your life course and everything can be fixed and there are exceptions and I could teach everything myself anyways by reading (just poorly P: )

TL;DR I'm a huge huge wimp and I'm going to cry so hard I don't know what to do good lord, please someone hug me ;______;